Reyou founder Menachem "Michael" Langer on what treatment-resistant depression feels like from the inside, what he tried first, and what ketamine and Spravato changed. A first-person account from New Jersey.
I founded Reyou because I had depression. Still do, sometimes.
I don’t know exactly what’s happening in my brain when it hits. I don’t know exactly what depression meds do, and apparently neither does science. But I can tell you what depression feels like from the inside, and you can see if it tracks for you.
What depression feels like
Everything in the world is happening the same as always. But it’s happening through a dirty windshield.
There’s a contracted feeling in the body and mind (or bodymind, if you prefer). Life is still happening, but I’m looking at it through straws. Conversations sound muffled, like I’m hearing them through earplugs, making it hard to concentrate. Moving through the world feels like I’m schlepping a 100-pound backpack. Everything is heavy and sluggish. The things I enjoy seem too far away to actually do.
I’m too exhausted to be happy right now. Sorry.
During a bad stretch I struggled to get out of bed. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed, or I did them and, frankly, didn’t enjoy them. I walked through the world in lead boots. I’d open my eyes in the morning, get a split second of peace, and then the sadness would set in. Everything in my life seemed to be going my way, and all of it was shrouded in the dark cloth of depression.
If you’ve been there, you know this isn’t sadness. Sadness is a feeling. Depression is a thought filter over every feeling.
What I tried before ketamine
I tried SSRIs. They made me feel numb, or worse. Every change in dosage made me feel numb, or worse. I stayed on them for several months. Sometimes there was a numbing effect. Mostly I noticed nothing at all.
I spent thousands of hours in meditation. I did talk therapy with some of the best therapists you could find. I did yoga. I journaled. All of it mattered, and none of it lifted the fog.
That’s what treatment-resistant depression means in practice. Not that you didn’t try. That you tried everything you were offered and the goggles stayed on.
What ketamine and Spravato changed
Here’s the best way I can describe what ketamine treatment did for my depression.
Imagine wearing ski goggles for a long time and then taking them off. You forgot you had them on. You got used to the snow being orange and the whole world tinted. Then you remove them, and the snow is white, the sky is blue, the trees are a green you’d stopped noticing, and the people around you are wearing every color.
Nothing was added. The filter was removed. Everything beautiful in my life flooded back in, and the problems that felt overwhelming looked smaller once I could see the whole picture.
For me it happened fast. About eight hours after my very first treatment, the fog lifted and my world went clear. That first round held for 18 months before I needed another treatment. In the six years since, depression has never come back at that strength. When an episode comes now, it lasts a day or two, three at most. Before, it lasted for months.
That’s the difference I care about. Self-medicating numbs the symptoms. For me, antidepressants mostly muted them. What I needed for lasting results was to get rid of the goggles. Take off the lead boots and walk more easefully through this precious life of ours.
Where this happens in New Jersey
This is the experience we built Reyou around: Spravato and IV ketamine at our clinics in Howell and South Plainfield, and ketamine treatment at home in NYC and Bergen County. If you want the clinical side of treatment-resistant depression treatment at Reyou, it’s there. This post is the human side.
If you’re reading this at 2 AM
I’ve been where you are.
I’m a patient who started a psychedelic medical company to bring the kind of healing I received to people who are still in it. Spravato and ketamine don’t work for everyone. But for the people they’re appropriate for, they are something worth trying when depression is treatment-resistant. It’s an option that didn’t exist before.
If you’re in crisis right now, call or text 988. That comes first. This post can wait.
I’m Menachem "Michael" Langer. I founded Reyou to help other people feel the way I feel now. Not every day. But most days, and that’s a different life.
If this tracked for you, talk to us.
Questions people ask about ketamine for treatment-resistant depression
How many ketamine treatments does it take for depression? It varies by person and by treatment. IV ketamine usually starts with a series of infusions over a few weeks, and Spravato starts with twice-weekly sessions for the first month. My own first treatment worked within hours, but that isn’t the norm and nobody should expect it. Here’s how dosing and scheduling work at Reyou.
Is ketamine for treatment-resistant depression covered by insurance? Spravato is FDA-approved for treatment-resistant depression and is often covered, including by Horizon and other major NJ plans. IV ketamine is usually out of pocket. Full breakdown here.
What’s the difference between Spravato and ketamine for depression? Spravato is a nasal spray given in the clinic under supervision. IV ketamine is an infusion. They’re related medicines with different logistics, coverage, and dosing. We compare them here.
Where can I get ketamine for depression in New Jersey? Reyou has clinics in Howell (Monmouth County) and South Plainfield (Middlesex County), plus at-home ketamine treatment for NYC and Bergen County. Start here.
